


Sweet Emotion

by to_love_a_lightwood



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: A little sexual humor, All the Lightwoods are amazing tbh, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay Alec Lightwood, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, Good Parent Robert Lightwood, Good Sibling Alec Lightwood, I wrote this when I was 15, Main character is a Lightwood, Original Character(s), POV First Person, Self-Harm, Semi-graphic self-harm and assault, they adopt her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-17 00:04:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11839824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/to_love_a_lightwood/pseuds/to_love_a_lightwood
Summary: Lucy knows three things: One, she can manipulate emotions. Two, her abilities are inexplicably useless in her opinion. Three, the Lightwood family- HER family- will always have her back.Basically a bunch of short childhood moments with her best friend Alec.





	Sweet Emotion

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to my first fic! I wrote this years ago and I just decided to post it to get me started on here. Please heed the tags as it may be triggering for some people. Title is from the song "Sweet Emotion" by Aerosmith. Thank you and enjoy!

I hid behind my mom's leg, trying to avoid the gaze of the man in front of me. I could feel his confusion and wonder at the six-year-old girl in front of him, but also his greed. The selfishness overpowered everything else, coming off of him in waves. I was used to sensing what people were feeling, but I didn't like the emotions this man had.  
My mom's emotions also seemed semi-toxic, anxiety and desperation rolling off her shoulders with every move she made. "Please," I remember her saying. Her voice was shaking. "I don't know what it is, but it has to be worth something."  
"I hope you'll understand I need a demonstration. I can't just take your word that she possesses these... Talents."  
"Of course," she agreed. My mom tugged on my sleeve, urging me to come out from hiding. "Lucy? Sweetie, why don't you show the man what you can do?" I shook my head. I wasn't normally shy, but this man scared me a little. I didn't like how he felt. "Come on, baby," my mom pleaded. "How about you make him happy, okay? Can you do that?"  
I hesitated. I looked at the man. He was curious. I could also feel a hint of doubt creeping in the longer I stood there. I hated it when others felt negative emotions, because I ended up feeling them sometimes too. "Okay," I whispered. I held onto my mom's hand as I reached for the man's.  
The man glanced at my mom suspiciously. "Take her hand," my mom said. "Then tell her what emotion you want to feel."  
The man grabbed my hand and looked me in the eyes. "Make me afraid," he told me. I closed my eyes for a moment to concentrate, then thought the word "afraid" to myself. I imagined the word slipping from my hand into his, and by the time I opened my eyes the man was glancing at me, scared. I could feel the new emotion radiating off of him as he whispered the new one. "Happy." I concentrated, saying the word in my mind and wanting him to feel it. He giggled a little, hysterically. "Extraordinary," he declared, slipping my hand from his.  
I could feel my mother's pride in me, thinly covered by a veil of fear. "This is just the beginning," she explained. "Lucy can feel what other people feel. She can read their emotions without even touching them. With practice, her potential is nearly limitless."  
The man looked at me curiously. I could feel him agreeing with her. "I'll take her."  
Relief flooded through my mom as they began to talk about money and other boring things. I began to look around the man's house. My mom and I were in front of a dark wooden desk. The floors were made of the same color wood. The walls were faded red and several old items adorned them. Brass seemed to be everywhere.  
"Perfect," the man said, handing my mother a huge wad of money. I had never seen so much, and my eyes grew wide with the same type of astonishment the man had felt when he'd seen what I could do. I didn't know how much money there was, but I knew we needed it and it would maybe even find us a place to live.  
"Thank you," my mom said. "Just promise me she'll be safe."  
"I'll keep her protected," the man said. I was shocked for a second at the sudden grief my mother felt, so shocked that I didn't move as she kneeled down to squeeze me tight.  
"I'm sorry," she said, tears streaming down her face. "I love you so much, sweetie. Be brave, okay?"  
"Okay," I agreed, still confused. "Mommy, what's wrong?"  
A sob wracked her body. "Nothing baby. Stay here." I followed her directions as she stood up and walked to the door.  
"Mommy," I started, but she turned to me, eyes shining.  
"It's okay, baby. Everything will be okay." She stuffed the envelope deep into her jacket and without another word to me, opened the door and ran down the street.  
"Mommy!" I screamed, starting to go after her, but the man stopped me.  
"Be quiet," he ordered. I didn't know what I could feel coming off of him, which scared me. It felt like confidence, but stronger. "Lucy, listen. You're going to stay with me for a while, okay?"  
"No! I want my mom!" I screamed, but he snapped his fingers and there were green sparks and suddenly I couldn't speak anymore. I began to cry, tears streaming silently down my face.  
The man grabbed my arms and looked at me intensely. "She's gone, Lucy, but you're going to live with me now, okay? We're going to see what you can do."

Three years later, I had learned a lot. My mom had sold me to a warlock named Elijah Frond out of desperation. We had been homeless and on the verge of starvation when he found out about us from one of our "shows." It wasn't a real show, it was just my mom's best attempt at raising money. She didn't understand my talents, but she understood how to use them to her advantage. Every night she would tell people on the street what I could do. She would bet with the curious ones that I could tell how they were feeling and then change it. I was never wrong, although many people tried to cheat to get their money back.  
Eli had heard about our shows from a friend and demanded we meet with him. When we did, it ended with him giving my mom enough money to get back on her feet in exchange for me. He worked with me, demanding to see all I could do and then challenging me to do more.  
When I couldn't do as he asked, he would put a spell on me that hurt. He would wave his fingers and say, "Dolor," which I learned to dread. I don't know what it was, but for a second I would feel a burst of pain and before I knew it it was gone.  
On the weekends Eli would take me out in public and tell me to practice on passing people. By the time I was nine I could not only feel what other people were feeling clearly, I could also manipulate how they were feeling without touching them. I could take away certain emotions and add other ones, and even manipulate two people's feelings at a time if I wasn't too tired.  
We accidentally found out that I absorb other emotions. Sometimes if I took an emotion away, I would start to feel it. All the recent emotions I'd taken would build up inside of me and if I wasn't careful they would all gush out. If someone touched my skin and I wasn't concentrated on keeping the stolen emotions back, they could transfer straight to the other person. Eli found that out the hard way, and since then has made me cover all skin except my face with long sleeved shirts and gloves.  
Eli had never really taken the time to get to know me or care for me, so I didn't really feel anything when he was killed in an accident that I wasn't supposed to know about. I didn't even go to the funeral, because the lady who ran the orphanage said it wouldn't be good for me.  
The orphanage was the worst month and a half I'd been through. I didn't want anyone to know what I could do, because whatever it was made my mom give me away and made Eli want me. I practiced on the kids, mostly making them feel happy when they were down. I didn't want a new family because I was afraid they would be like Eli or return me when they found out what I could do, so every time I had an interview with a family I made them feel doubt, fear, or other negative emotions to keep them away from me.  
After a month and a half of that, I ran away. I wasn't sure where I was when I ran into him, but I know that's when the life I'm living now started.  
I had run into a big man, covered in tattoos of strange markings. "Sorry," I mumbled, not wanting him to get angry and ask where my parents were or something. I was ten and covered in dirt from sleeping on the ground for the past four days, and I was pretty sure if I gave him the time to look at me he'd realize something was wrong.  
I felt his awe before I heard it in his voice. "You can see me?" He asked.  
I looked up at him and nodded, confused. Why shouldn't I see him?  
He looked around before saying, "I'm Robert Lightwood. Why don't you and I go somewhere to talk?"  
I was scared, but I didn't feel any devious or evil emotions from him. He must have good intentions, right? "Okay," I said quietly.  
"I just have to make one quick phone call, then we can go, okay?" He said, pulling out a cell phone. I nodded and waited for him as he stepped away for a moment. Before I knew it, he was back. "So, can you tell me your name?"  
"Lucy," I said quietly as we walked down the sidewalk.  
"Where are your parents?" He asked me.  
"I don't have any," I lied. As far as I knew, they were dead anyways.  
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm going to take you to my house, okay? You can meet my wife and kids. How old are you?" I told him I was ten. "My son is ten," he said. "I have an eight year old daughter, too, and my youngest son is two."  
The rest of the way to his house, he talked about his family. He asked me a little about my life, but stopped when he noticed I didn't answer. Finally, we stood in front of a rickety old building. "Is this your house?" I asked in disbelief, and I could feel his uncertainty.  
"Look at it," he instructed me. "Really concentrate. What do you see?"  
I tried hard to concentrate, almost like when I try to make people feel without touching them. Suddenly, the ugly building turned into a beautiful white structure. "Wow," I whispered.  
Robert grinned. "Let's go get you cleaned up. Then you can meet everyone."  
The inside of the building was even more incredible than the outside. Everything was clean and white, and there were people and screens and computers everywhere. I could feel emotions bubbling up and bouncing around as the people inside passed by me. They were all covered in the same tattoos as Robert, and I wondered what they were. The place was overwhelming, and with the added burden of all the secondhand emotions I was feeling I could barely process where we were going until we were there.  
Robert led me into a girly bedroom, clothes strewn around the floor. A boy and a girl were sitting on the bed, and joy suddenly trickled in. These must be Robert's kids.  
"Alec, Isabelle," Robert announced as I followed him into the room. He placed a hand on my shoulder. "This is Lucy. She needs to borrow some clothes, okay Izzy? She'll give them back soon."  
Isabelle and Alec were staring at me, curiosity settling in as they observed me. "Okay, she can have some," Izzy told her dad.  
"Thank you," Robert answered for me, heading to Isabelle's closet. She was still staring at me, and confusion seeped into my bones.  
"Why are you so dirty?" Isabelle asked me.  
"Isabelle, that's rude," Robert scolded. "Apologize."  
"Sorry." I didn't feel any remorse coming from her, but I didn't care. "Is she going to stay here?"  
"We'll have to see," Robert answered vaguely. He was a bit apprehensive, probably not wanting to embarrass or worry me. "I'm going to go set up a shower for her, then we're going to figure out if she can stay. Okay?"  
Alec and Isabelle nodded. "Okay, bye," she said as I followed her father to a small bathroom.  
"Sorry about Izzy," he apologized. "She can be a little curious."  
"I know," I said. "I could feel it."  
Robert stopped fiddling with the faucet. "What do you mean?"  
I shrugged, trying not to sound too much like a freak. "I can tell how people are feeling." He was confused, so I tried to elaborate. "I know you're confused right now. I can sense it."  
Robert frowned. "In a perceptive way, or..."  
I shook my head. I trusted Robert, and I wanted him to understand. "I'm different," I said quietly. "I can do things other kids can't. That's why I ran away."  
I could tell he wanted to ask me tons of questions, but he stuck with the most obvious one. "What do you mean, different?"  
"I'll show you," I decided. "Don't be scared. Just list some emotions, and I can make you feel them."  
Robert nodded slowly. "Uh, okay. Happy?" I nodded and concentrated on making him feel happiness. "Wow," he said with a smile. "Sad?" I stopped sending him the positive emotions, instead focusing on pushing sadness his way. "Mad?" I hesitated for a split second before sending him angry waves, trying not to worry about this backfiring. Some people didn't manage negative emotions well. I could feel the anger I forced onto him radiating off as he commanded, "Stop." I immediately retracted everything I had sent him, leaving behind his awe. "Lucy, that was incredible," he said, eyes bright. "What else can you do?"  
I felt myself loosening up a bit as I realized he wasn't terrified. "I can read emotions," I explained quietly. "When I walk into a room, I can feel what other people in there are feeling. I can manipulate how they feel too, like I just did to you. I can add emotions or take them away. Sometimes I can even manipulate two people at a time, but not when I'm tired. If I'm not careful and someone touches my skin, I'll accidentally transfer everything I'm feeling to them."  
Robert took all of this in with wonder. "Is that why you wear gloves?" I nodded. "You don't have to if you don't want to anymore," he offered. I just shook my head, so he continued. "Okay, I'm going to show you how to work the shower so you can get clean, then I'm going to introduce you to some important people. They're going to find a place for you to stay." He got the shower working and showed me how to adjust it before leaving me alone.  
I tried not to take too long in the shower, leaving the bathroom to find Robert only a few minutes after he'd left. He then escorted me to a large circular room filled with people. I recognized Alec and Isabelle, but I didn't know anyone else in the room. The entire Institute must be here for this meeting. They all exuded excitement and wonder, and I detected hints of impatience everywhere. I had to blink a few times and try to tune out some of the emotions, making Robert look at me with concern. "Are you all right?"  
"It's just a lot," I said slowly, beginning to adjust. "It happens when there are a lot of people. I'll be okay in a second."  
"If you're sure," he said with uncertainty. "I guess we have to go sit down anyways. Come on, I'll introduce you to my wife." I followed him over to a woman with a tiny child in her arms. She looked mean but she was nice enough. "Amanda, this is my wife, Maryse, and my son, Max."  
"Hi," I said.  
Maryse smiled at me. "Nice to meet you."  
I sat in between Robert and Alec as we waited for the meeting to start. Finally, a man stood up and introduced himself as a representative of the Clave. I didn't understand a lot of it then, but after the meeting Robert explained Shadowhunters and Downworlders and everything else I'd need to know.  
I had to go in front of everyone and tell my story. I started with the day my mom had given me to Eli and continued until this morning when I ran into Robert. The Clave representative asked me to demonstrate my talents, so I changed how a few people were feeling. Everyone was fascinated, but very confused. No one knew what I was, whether I be a warlock or some other Downworlder.  
"While we are unsure what Lucy is capable of, we are certain she will prove very valuable in the war against Valentine. Given that she has previously thrived under the care of a warlock, I believe in order to allow her abilities to progress we need to pair her with another warlock," the Clave guy announced. "A Clave representative will talk to Magnus Bane about living arrangements."  
"No," I said. "I don't want to live with another warlock."  
The man from the Clave was taken aback. "Why not? Magnus will teach you everything he knows."  
"I don't want to live with another warlock," I repeated. "Not after what happened last time. Please."  
The man seemed to consider. "If I may," Robert interjected, "I don't think Magnus Bane will want to change his whole lifestyle to care for a child. We both know how extravagant he can be. Lucy can stay here in the Institute, with my family and I."  
The man pursed his lips. "I don't think that would be right. She isn't a Shadowhunter."  
"She doesn't have to be," Maryse said. "The Institute is the most protected building in the city. What safer place for her is there? She can stay with us and visit Magnus for training."  
The man felt helpless, then defeated. "All right. She will stay here unless we find a better option soon. She will start training with Magnus as soon as possible. We will keep in touch."  
Robert and Maryse couldn't hide grins as the representative and his people left. "It's settled," Robert announced to his family. "Lucy will live here with us."  
I felt excitement bubble up in Alec and Isabelle. Mostly Isabelle. "You can sleep in my room!" She said. "Come on, I'll go show you around!"  
Although I didn't know the Lightwoods very well, they were all very nice to me. They all seemed to have pure intentions and never seemed to feel anger or anything towards me except excitement and wonder. By the time I fell asleep that night with my new friend Isabelle next to me, I was almost certain I was going to like the Institute. 

I didn't actually talk to Alec until the next day. His father asked him to show me around the Institute, and he shyly obliged. I noticed he was feeling a bit nervous, and I asked him about it.  
"I'm not," he defended. He continued to show me to the training room, where he quietly asked me, "What's it like?"  
"Knowing how people feel?" He nodded. "I never really thought about it," I say, struggling to put it into words. "I've never known any different. I guess it just makes it easier for me to talk to people because I know how they feel."  
Alec stared at the ground. "I wish I could do that," he mumbled. "I'm not very good at talking to people."  
I raised an eyebrow, feeling his embarrassment from his confession. "You're talking to me just fine."  
"No, I'm-" he stopped himself. "I am talking to you," he realized. "Sorry, I'm just not good at talking about how I feel."  
"You don't have to with me," I pointed out. "I'll already know."  
I watched him give a kind of half smile as a sense of calm washed over him. From that day on, we became best friends. 

Meeting Magnus was intimidating, and I found myself reluctant to go back to training. I wanted to get better at what I could do, but I didn't want the pressure, pain, or punishment. Just two days after I'd arrived at the Institute, I was standing in Magnus's apartment, nervous as can be.  
Magnus knew everything about what I could do, so after he introduced himself he got straight to training. "Are you scared?" He asked me gently.  
I shook my head. "No," I lied, attempting to hide how I felt. All I could think about was when I would make a mistake with Eli and he would punish me.  
Magnus came closer to me, squatting so we were at eye level. "I know you're not being honest with me," he said. "What are you afraid of?"  
The word felt strange in my mouth. "Dolor," I confessed quietly.  
I could feel Magnus's initial confusion change to anger and understanding. "Did Elijah Frond use that on you?"  
I nodded. "When I couldn't do what he asked of me."  
Magnus's eyes were hard. "I see. I'll make sure to tell the Lightwoods about this." At my confused look, he added, "He should never have used that on you. But no worries, Muffin. I can promise I will never hurt you with my magic."  
Sincerity flowed into me, and I felt myself relax a little. Maybe training wouldn't be so bad after all. 

"Lucy, can I talk to you for a second?" Maryse called.  
I stopped practicing on Alec as I turned. "Okay," I said. I turned back to her son, saying a quick goodbye before following her into her office. Alec had just been helping me practice one of the new things I was doing with Magnus, where I could take emotions and add them at the same time. Before we had been interrupted, I had been taking away Alec's nervousness (which he felt a lot these days) and replacing it with a sense of calm happiness.  
Robert was waiting for us in Maryse's office. "Lucy," he greeted me, "Maryse and I were hoping we could ask you something."  
"You're nervous," I observed, the feeling seeping into my skin off of theirs. "And excited. What is it?"  
They exchanged a glance before facing me. "Well, you've lived with us for quite some time now," Maryse began, "and we've grown very attached to you."  
Robert picked up where she left off. "I'm going to cut to the chase. We were wondering if we could adopt you."  
I could hear my heart stutter a bit. "What?" I asked. I must have heard them wrong.  
"You don't have to say yes," Maryse hastily explained. "If you don't want to then everything can just stay how it is now. We've just been thinking about this for a while and wondered if you'd like to officially become a Lightwood."  
I felt excitement course through my veins, mixed with a little uncertainty. They'd never given me any reason not to trust them, but what if they changed their mind and didn't want me anymore? What would it be like to have a family again?  
"Yes," I whispered, then repeated it louder. "Yes. I'd love it. Thank you."  
Their excitement and joy was nearly overpowering, but in a good way. "Excellent!" Maryse exclaimed. "We'll have the paperwork filed tomorrow."  
"Congratulations, Lucy Lightwood," Robert beamed. I was so overcome with the combined force of their happiness and my own that I leaped into their arms and hugged them both tight.  
"Thank you," I said. "Thank you."  
I could hear the smiles in their voices. "You're welcome, sweetie."  
Alec and Izzy reacted in very similar ways when their parents told them over dinner. That night, there was quite a bit of celebrating, and might have just been the happiest day of my life so far. 

I stared at the blonde boy in front of me. He was handsome, and maybe a little younger than me. "Hi," he said.  
He wasn't feeling much. There was a hint of anxiety and sadness, but it was barely there. "Hi," I said, sticking out my hand, "I'm Lucy."  
"Jace." He shook my hand. "Are you a Shadowhunter?"  
I hesitated. I'd been at the Institute for two years, but we still didn't know what I was. People had been trying to guess for years, but we still didn't know. "No," I admitted, "I'm different."  
"What do you mean?" He asked me.  
"I manipulate emotions," I said, not too interested in trying to explain it to yet another person. "It's hard to explain. I'll show you sometime."  
That seemed to be enough for Jace. "Sure. Now, can you show me where the kitchen is? I'm starving."  
I grinned. I liked him. He wasn't too emotional and didn't try to hide anything he was feeling. "Come on, let's go."

"Isabelle, how could you?" Maryse demanded angrily, her voice filling the halls of the Institute. She radiated anger and worry, and Izzy reeked of nervousness. Izzy had been training with our new brother, Jace, and had accidentally given him a deep gash on his arm. "Why weren't you being more careful?"  
I kept myself hidden, peeking out to see Maryse standing over Izzy threateningly. "I didn't mean to-" Izzy started, but her mother cut her off.  
"Isabelle, you're ten years old now!" As Maryse spoke with her back turned to me, I channeled a little anger out of her. I knew if I took too much too quickly, she would notice and then I'd be in trouble too. "You need to be more responsible!"  
As I focused on the thin stream of anger I was pulling from Maryse, I heard Izzy apologize again. "Mom, it was an accident," she explained. "I promise, I'll be more careful."  
Seeing my opportunity, I took the anger at a faster rate and slowly added a mix of love, calm, and regret. I knew the emotions people went through in these situations by now and was able to replicate them fairly easily.  
Maryse sighed in defeat. "Okay," she agreed. "I'm sorry I yelled. Just please be safe."  
Izzy was confused, but didn't ask questions. "Okay Mom," she said, and Maryse tucked Izzy's hair behind her ear and brushed past her. Izzy caught my eye and I grinned at her as she realized what had just happened.  
"Thank you," she said.  
I shrugged. "Any time."

I glanced at the next flash card, recognizing the rune from quizzing Alec on it so often. "Iratze," he answered.  
I switched to the next card, looking at it and identifying it before showing him. "Stamina."  
I leaned back and sighed. "I don't understand why I have to help you study if you know all of them. We've gone through the deck of flash cards so many times even I know what they are."  
Alec crossed his arms. "I'm just making sure I know them," he defended. "Besides, if you're so confident, why don't you draw one?"  
I was surprised. "On you?"  
He rolled his eyes. "Well, you can't draw one on yourself."  
I became nervous. "I don't know, Alec. I've never even tried drawing one on paper before."  
He shrugged, rolling up his sleeve and offering me his stele. "I trust you."  
While he was confident, he was also a little scared. "You can't hide your emotions from me. I know you're scared."  
He pushed his stele into my hands. "Come on. Do it."  
"Alec, I can't," I started to say, but he wouldn't take his stele back.  
He sat back and looked at me. "Fine. I'll make you." Before I could ask what he meant, he was off the couch and walking across the room, gesturing for me to follow him. I got up and watched him, jumping a little as he grabbed a knife from the table and turned around with it. "You decide," he threatened, putting the knife to his arm. "You can draw me an agility rune right now, or I'll cut myself so deep you'll have to draw an iratze to heal me."  
I was appalled. "Alec-" I started, but he pressed the tip of the blade to his skin, daring me to protest. "Fine!" I said. "I'll draw the agility rune. Just don't hurt yourself."  
Satisfied, he dropped the knife on the table and offered me his wrist again. I took it gently in my hand and pictured the agility rune in my head before starting to draw. The stele burned his skin, and I tried to hurry so I wouldn't hurt him as much.  
I pulled back once I was done, admiring my work. It wasn't half bad. "I knew you could do it," he grinned.  
I rolled my eyes. "I'm sure you did. You know I could feel how scared you were?"  
He shrugged it off. "I don't know what you're talking about."  
I shook my head. "Whatever you say, Lightwood."

"Stop, please," I whimpered, trying to pull my wrist away from Robert. His grip was tighter than his expression, and he didn't say a word to me as he dragged me in front of Maryse.  
I was humiliated, ashamed, guilty and afraid all at once as she saw me. Her eyes widened. "Are you all right?" I was doused in her confusion and Robert's disappointment, and I hated how I was feeling. "What did you do?" She screeched, realizing what I had done.  
"I found her cutting herself in the bathroom," Robert explained, upset.  
I could suddenly feel curiosity and horror and before I cast a glance at the corner I knew my siblings were hiding there. They all saw what I'd done to myself. The blood from the fresh ones was still dripping down my arms. I couldn't have looked good.  
I don't know why I did it. Maybe I had taken in too many emotions recently to handle. Either way, I made the decision and I could never take it back. I knew they probably wouldn't understand because Shadowhunters just didn't do this type of thing, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I still wanted to hurt.  
The anger was slipping out of me before I realized what I was doing. I was flooding Maryse's veins with anger. I was cutting because I wanted to feel pain, and I still wanted it. Maybe I could make her mad enough to hit me.  
"Why?" She demanded, unaware that the anger she was feeling wasn't hers. "How could you do such a thing?"  
"Explain yourself," Robert bellowed.  
"It was too much," I said quietly, pushing more and more anger into both of them.  
"That's no excuse!" Maryse was almost screaming at this point, her face turning red. "Do you understand that we're trying to be good parents here? Don't you think this hurts us, too?"  
"You don't understand what it's like to be your parents!" Robert yelled. "We're trying, but we can't always know what you need! If it's attention you want, just say so!"  
I felt a little of my own anger flare up at what he said. "You think I did this for attention?" I asked.  
"What else would you do it for?" Maryse wondered aloud, throwing her hands up. "Because your mother sold you? Because she didn't want you?"  
I fought to keep my voice calm, failing miserably. "You know that's not true-"  
I heard Robert's hand hit my face before I felt it. He backhanded me, making me stumble back a step. I heard a sharp gasp and knew it was Izzy, but I was too distracted by the stinging pain in my cheek. Having gotten what I wanted, I tried to pull the anger back, but more anger just kept flowing freely into the bodies of my adoptive parents. It was like I could no longer control it.  
Maryse grabbed my wrist, making me hiss in pain as she pulled at some of the cuts. Her hand also connected with my face painfully as she screamed at me about how ungrateful I was. "We tried so hard!" She screamed.  
Robert grabbed my wrist from her and pulled me to him. "Why do you have to be so difficult?" He yelled, shoving me into the wall. My head and shoulders thudded against the hard surface, and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as his grip tightened on my wrist.  
"Stop!" Alec was out from behind the corner, running at his parents.  
Robert yanked me down by my wrist and threw me to the floor, jerking my body back to him. I couldn't concentrate enough to pull back the anger, so I sat there praying Alec would be able to save me. "Alec, stay out of this!" His dad roared at him, but Alec didn't stop.  
"Calm down!" Alec grabbed his father's arm and got him to let me go, standing between him and I like a shield.  
Seeing my opportunity, I quickly pulled the anger back. It started flowing out of them like a river, and both Robert and Maryse visibly deflated before their expressions changed from angry to horrified.  
"By the angel," Robert whispered. "I didn't mean to- I'm so sorry."  
Alec cautiously stared at them before turning and helping me up. "Are you okay?" He asked me.  
I blinked, trying not to let the tears building in my eyes fall. Not only was I emotionally conflicted, everyone else in the room was as well. My head was buzzing with all the information I was taking in, and I shook my head. "There's a lot..." I said quietly, unable to finish the thought.  
Alec nodded, understanding me without needing to hear any more. "You should go sit down for a while. I'll take you to your room."  
Being in my room was almost more unbearable than being surrounded by everyone's feelings. I now felt everything as I tried to process what had just happened. I was satisfied that I had gotten what I wanted, but also guilty. Robert and Maryse hadn't wanted to hurt me like that, I had made them do it. I was also nervous knowing what everyone thought of me now and ashamed I had done everything in the first place.  
Then there were Alec's emotions. He was currently cleaning my cuts with a neutral expression, but I could still feel the turmoil. He was upset and a little confused. He was hurt, disappointed, and concerned. I hated knowing most of that was my fault.  
"I'm sorry," I said softly. "I shouldn't have... I didn't mean to hurt anyone."  
He looked at me, eyes shining. "Why did you do it then? If you didn't want to hurt anyone, why would you hurt yourself?"  
I watched his hands as they dabbed a cotton ball over each of the cuts on my arm. "I don't know," I confessed. "It just gets hard sometimes. I could always feel what other people could, and it would build up. Before I knew it I was feeling all kinds of things and doing it helped clear my head a little."  
He didn't look at me, instead taking a roll of gauze and wrapping it around my arm gently. "Why didn't you take it away?" He asked quietly. "The anger. You could have avoided all of it."  
"It- it was my fault," I admitted, making him stop and look at me questioningly. "They were mad, and I made it worse so they would hit me. I wanted to feel physical pain, and since I couldn't cut I thought doing that would be the next best option."  
He stared at me. "You made them do it?"  
I nodded. "I know, it was stupid and I shouldn't have done it."  
Alec paused, and a twinge of regret and understanding hit me. "My parents have never hit us before."  
It was so quiet I barely heard it, but when I realized what he said it made me wish I hadn't. I'd never seen Maryse or Robert hit their children before, and I felt a little horrified. They must feel so guilty right now. "I'm so sorry," I said.  
"I'm not the one you should tell," Alec pointed out. He finished with the bandages, his eyes lingering on the hand-shaped bruise his father had left curled around my wrist. He studied my face, and I knew he was looking at the slender light pink marks where their hands had connected with my face. "I'm going to go to bed," he said. "I think they will soon, too."  
He was hinting, telling me to go apologize before they went to bed without knowing the truth. "You're right," I mumbled. I wrapped my arms around him. "Thank you."  
He hugged me back tightly for a second before letting me go. "You're welcome."  
After he left I headed straight to Robert and Maryse's room. As I went to knock on their door, it opened to reveal both of them, red-eyed and surprised. "Lucy," Maryse said in sad surprise. "We were just coming to see you. We wanted to say-"  
"I'm sorry," I cut her off. "It wasn't your fault, it was mine."  
"No, please, hear us out," Robert pleaded. "We shouldn't have reacted that way. You needed us and we lashed out, and we never wanted to hurt you."  
"You didn't," I tried to explain, feeling their confusion and guilt. "It was all me. I was cutting because the pain cleared my head, and when you caught me I still wanted to feel pain. I made you angrier than you were so you would hit me. I'm so sorry, I know I shouldn't have done that and I didn't mean to-"  
"Wait," Robert said. "You made us hit you?"  
I nodded, avoiding eye contact. "I know you never would have done it if I didn't force you to. I didn't realize how it would make you feel. It's all my fault."  
Relief flooded through both of them. "We're still sorry," Maryse said. "We didn't want to hurt you. However, I think we need to have a talk. First, you need to stop hurting yourself. We can talk to Magnus tomorrow about finding a way to clear your mind without causing yourself pain."  
"Second," Robert added, "please never mess with our feelings again. It's okay if you need to practice something Magnus has asked you to work on, but you need to otherwise leave us be. It's not healthy for any of us if you're constantly taking away negative emotions or adding false positive ones."  
I nodded. "I'm sorry. I won't do it again."  
Maryse sighed, smoothing a hand over my hair. "I know. It's late. We should all get some rest."  
"I'll explain everything to Jace and Izzy tomorrow," I said. "I'll know how they feel about everything and I need to admit to it."  
They didn't argue. "Okay. Goodnight Lucy."  
I gave my adopted parents a small smile before heading back to my room. "Goodnight."  
The next morning I explained everything to Jace and Izzy. I told them it was my fault and our parents would never do anything like that in their right minds. I didn't expect them to understand, but I could tell they felt better about everything that had happened. I also apologized to them for hurting myself, saying I would never do it again. Satisfied with my answer, they forgave me almost immediately. I didn't realize it then, but that was one of the first times I knew I could royally screw up and know my entire family had my back. 

I flipped the grilled cheese sandwich on its other side, making sure it was cooked to Max's standards before I put it on a paper plate. He may have only been five, but he had certain expectations when it came to grilled cheese.  
I walked it over to the table, placing it in front of him. "How's it look?"  
He inspected it. "It's good," he said with finality as he started to eat it. I grinned at my little brother, ruffling his hair before going back to the stove to make myself a sandwich. I had just plopped it into the pan when his little voice rang out behind me. "Lucy? Are you my sister?"  
I froze. Was I his sister? Legally I was, but not biologically. I'd always considered the Lightwoods my family, but I didn't know what to tell him. I didn't think I could explain adoption and genetics to a five year old.  
"Hey, guys," Izzy said, walking into the room. "What are we talking about?"  
I didn't feel any confusion, meaning she must have already heard what he asked. "Izzy, is Lucy our sister?" He asked again in between bites of grilled cheese.  
"Of course she is," Izzy said. "Lucy is our sister and Jace is our brother."  
Max seemed to think about it for a minute. "They don't look like us," he pointed out. "Or Mom or Dad."  
Izzy shook her head. "It doesn't matter. Just because they don't look like all of us doesn't mean we're not family."  
Izzy smiled at me, and I felt grateful for her. We would explain it to Max one day, but not today. For now, all he knew was we were family. 

"Watch your stance," Alec advised me before throwing another punch to my face. I dodged it, attempting to get in a jab to his side as we circled each other, fists raised.  
He was trying to teach me how to fight, but he wasn't doing very well. He was distracted, and if I had to guess I would say the thing distracting him was the same thing making him anxious. Nervousness rolled off of him in waves, along with a little fear and confusion. He was so conflicted about whatever it was that it was starting to distract me too. I mean, we were thirteen. What did he have to be so anxious about?  
I landed another punch to his ribs before kicking his leg. "Okay, stop," I said. "We need to talk."  
He raised an eyebrow. "We're training. Can't it wait?"  
"No, it can't," I told him, sitting down on a bench and gesturing for him to sit next to me. "You're not even trying. I've been able to land a ton of hits on you. What's wrong?"  
Alec shifted uncomfortably. "I'm just having an off day."  
I knew he was lying. "It's not just today. You've been nervous and confused for almost a month now. I normally wouldn't press you like this, but it's getting worse, Alec. What is it?"  
He took a deep breath, looking me in the eyes. "Luce, I need to tell you something, but you have to promise you won't tell anyone. No one else knows."  
I nodded. "Okay, I promise."  
He glanced around before mumbling, "I think I'm gay. I'm not a hundred percent sure, but I think I am." He studied my face, analyzing my reaction.  
I didn't really know how I felt. I guess I was just surprised. When I didn't react, Alec grabbed my hand. It caught me off guard, so I wasn't able to stop how I was feeling from transferring to him.  
He raised his eyebrows. "You're surprised... Is that all?"  
I pulled my hand back. "Yeah. I mean, what else am I supposed to feel?"  
He shrugged, his shy self coming back. "I don't know. I guess I expected you to be mad or disgusted or something."  
I shook my head. I held his hand, this time not transferring my emotions to him. "Alec, I could never be disgusted by you, especially over something so stupid. If anyone does react like that, then they're wrong." He smiled shyly. "I'm glad you told me though. So, this bring me to my next question..." He looked at me expectantly. "Do you have a crush?"  
I'd never seen him blush so hard or stutter so much in my life. 

I admired Izzy's hair as I curled the last piece of it. It was far from perfect, but better than I expected. "You're all done," I told her, setting the curling iron down.  
She fluffed her hair and looked at it in the mirror, excitement coursing through her veins. "It looks great!" She squealed, hugging me. "Thank you!"  
I grinned at her. "You're welcome. Now, are you ready to go?"  
"Yes! I'm so excited!" She smoothed her clothes in the mirror and turned to me. "Do you think I look okay?"  
I laughed a little. "You look great. This Eric is a lucky guy."  
She grinned. "Let's go. I can't keep my date waiting."  
I walked Izzy to the movie theater, listening to her ramble on about the movie and how excited she was for her first date. She was eleven years old and still managed to score a date before I did, but right now I didn't care. I was just happy for her.  
When we arrived at the theater the boy was waiting alone. "Hey, Izzy," he said shyly. "I, uh... I bought you a ticket."  
I smiled at them. They were so awkward it was cute. I paid for my own ticket and followed them into the theater. I was chaperoning the date, considering Isabelle was too young to wander the streets of New York by herself. I sat a few rows behind them and waited for the movie to start.  
About halfway through, Izzy got up and came to whisper in my ear. "Do you have any money? Eric wants to get popcorn."  
I rolled my eyes in the dark and handed her a ten. "Thanks," she said quietly, heading to the concession stand. I watched as they sat next to each other, Eric awkwardly holding her hand as the movie finished. His mom was waiting outside the theater, and he blushed as he hugged Izzy goodbye.  
"How was it?" I asked Izzy, who sighed.  
"It was great. It was a little weird, but he's shy. He'll come around."  
I laughed. "I'm sure he will."  
A hand on my arm suddenly yanked me to the side. Before I could scream a hand clamped over my mouth. I wildly looked around to tell Izzy to run, but I saw someone had grabbed her too. I concentrated as hard as I could on making the people grabbing us terrified, but it was too late.  
The man grabbing Izzy yanked her to the ground and slapped her. Her broken whine was like a sword to the heart. The man growled, "Give us your money and nobody gets hurt."  
I immediately doubled my efforts, making them afraid and guilty and hesitant. As far as I could tell, there were only two men, which I could handle.  
My efforts showed in the voice of the man holding me as he spoke. "We shouldn't do this," he said shakily. "They're kids."  
It was too dark to see the other man's face, but I could feel him agreeing. "They probably don't have any dough, do they?" He was silent for a moment before menacingly adding, "We'll let you go, but you gotta swear you won't talk. If any cops come after us, we'll have your asses. Alright?" Izzy and I frantically nodded. "Alright. Now go! Get out before I change my mind."  
Izzy scrambled to her feet and we sprinted down the street. I didn't stop sending the men the terror until I was physically unable to. "Are you okay?" I asked her. Her face was red where the man hit her and she was just as terrified as I was, but she nodded. "Come on, let's go home."  
"Do you think they'll really find us?" She asked quietly as we approached the Institute.  
"I don't know," I admitted. "Probably not."  
Maryse nearly had a stroke when we told her what had happened. Once she made sure we were okay, she began to rant about how we weren't allowed out without company again. Of course, the next time Izzy wanted to go out with Eric they had to be accompanied by a parent, which made Izzy a little upset. I just hoped that my first date wouldn't be as disastrous as hers was. 

"Come on, guys, we really should get back," Alec said nervously. "Mom's going to wonder where we are."  
"Everything will be fine, Alec," Izzy said, brushing him off. "You worry too much. Besides, Jace is almost done."  
Sure enough, Jace was just about to win the carnival game he was playing. He grabbed the last baseball and winked at six year old Max before throwing it. All of the milk bottles in the stack went down, making Jace and his younger brother cheer loudly.  
Izzy and Jace had begged Alec to take them to the fair that was in town. They were only twelve, and Maryse said they couldn't go if Alec and I didn't take them. Alec and I were fourteen and he claimed he was too old for fairs, but seeing the joy on Max's face as he got to pick out a prize made even Alec smile a little.  
"What did you get, Max?" I asked him.  
Max grinned and held up the stuffed animal. "A monkey!"  
We were all smiling as we walked home. As much as Alec didn't want to admit it, it had been a fun night. Max was holding onto Izzy's hand as he walked, talking excitedly about how good Jace was at that game.  
A thud next to us made us all freeze in our tracks. I looked to the left, seeing nothing but a dumpster. "Come on, guys," Alec said after a few seconds. "Let's get back."  
Right as he said it, a huge black shape jumped out of the dumpster and landed in front of us. None of us had seen a demon in real life before, but we all knew what it was. I shoved Izzy and Max behind me at the same time Alec stepped in front of the rest of us. None of us had any weapons on us, leaving us defenseless. "Run!" Alec told us.  
The thing jumped in our way before we could even move. It started towards us, menacingly slow. I began to panic. I wasn't a Shadowhunter, and I didn't have the slightest clue how to kill a demon. I didn't have any special skills that could help us, all I could do was make it sad.  
The idea popped into my head, and I was so desperate I decided to go for it. I put all of my energy into making the demon terrified. I shoved the fear at it with as much force as I could. The thing screeched and took a step back, followed by a few more steps. It was working.  
"What are you doing to it?" Jace asked me.  
"Making it afraid," was my only response. The demon scuttled back a few feet, quickly losing confidence and unsure of why. I put all of my strength into a final blast of terror that sent the demon crawling quickly away, leaping back into the dumpster.  
"Go!" Alec said loudly. Izzy started dragging Max down the street to the Institute immediately, followed quickly by Jace. I was tired, and Alec stayed behind to help me back.  
The others reached the Institute before Alec and I did. By the time we reached the front steps, Robert was bursting through the door, eyes frantically scanning for us. "Are you alright?" He asked us, rushing to us.  
"We're fine," Alec said. He pointed a finger down the street. "The demon was in a dumpster, about a block away."  
Robert nodded, turning as two other Shadowhunters appeared in the doorway. He relayed the information and the two set off. Robert hugged his son and I. "I'm just glad everyone is safe." He let us go. "You two better get inside and rest. It's been a long day."  
As Alec walked me inside, I saw Maryse hugging her other three children. She was worried and my siblings were afraid, but they all felt a little more relieved as they saw us. Maryse hurried over. "Are you hurt?"  
I shook my head while Alec answered for us. "We're fine. She's just worn out."  
Maryse looked at me with wonder and concern. "Jace told me what you did. Did you really make that demon go away just be scaring it?" I nodded. "Lucy, that's amazing. Did you know you could do that?" I shook my head. Maryse stood up. "We need to tell the Clave about this. They're going to be very interested. In the meantime, all of you, get to bed. Alec, Lucy, Izzy and Jace, you will all start training tomorrow. We can't afford another incident like the one tonight." Her expression darkened. "You kids aren't going out without knowing how to protect yourselves again."  
"I'm not a Shadowhunter," I pointed out. "I can't train."  
"You can fight," Maryse said. "You can't use a seraph blade, but we will train you with other weapons. Now, all of you, off to bed."  
The five of us trudged down the hall to our rooms. As soon as I got into my pajamas and turned off the lights, visions of the demon jumping out of the dumpster haunted me. I quickly turned them back on, realizing I was too scared to go to sleep.  
Before I could stop myself, I went to Alec's room and knocked on his door. He opened it only a few seconds later, feeling almost as scared as I was. "Hey," I said quietly. "Can I come in?"  
He stepped aside to let me in. "I can't sleep," I told him. "I'm too scared."  
He didn't admit he was feeling the same way, knowing I knew anyway. "What are you going to do?" He asked me.  
I felt stupid suddenly, like I was a little kid again. I should have just tried to tough it out. Still, I might as well ask while I was here. "Can I sleep with you?"  
He was only slightly surprised, but he was also a little relieved. "Yeah," he said. "I'll get the lights."  
I crawled into his bed and waited for him to turn off the lights and come lay next to me. I could feel a little burst of fear as he made his way to the bed and slipped under the blanket next to me, and I slipped him a calming feeling so he would be able to sleep easier.  
"Thank you," he whispered in the dark. I didn't know if he was thanking me for calming him down or sleeping with him, but before I could figure it out someone knocked on the door. "Come in," he said, just loud enough for them to hear.  
The door cracked open to reveal a silhouette of a young boy. "Alec?" Max whispered. "I'm scared. Can I sleep with you?"  
I smiled to myself at how cute Max was and how he came to Alec first. "Hi, Max," I answered before Alec could. "You can sleep with us."  
Max closed the door and made his way over to the bed. "Lucy?" He asked. "Are you scared, too?"  
I didn't know what to say. If I said no I'd be lying, but if I said yes that would probably make him more afraid. "No," I said. "Not anymore. Alec is gonna protect us."  
I could feel Alec fill up with love as I said that and Max squeezed in between us. "Goodnight," Max said to us.  
The door opened without warning. I could hear the person approach the bed, and I could tell from the way they walked it was Izzy.  
"Alec, I'm scared," Izzy said. "Can I sleep in here?"  
Alec let out a quiet groan while I stifled a laugh. "Sure, Iz," he muttered. "Why not? What's one more little sibling in my bed?"  
"We're the same age," I reminded him.  
"My birthday is first," he shot back as Izzy crawled in bed and snuggled right up to me.  
"Is Jace in here?" Izzy asked.  
"Of course not," Alec said. "He could never admit he was afraid."  
"I guess you're right," Izzy answered back. "Goodnight guys."  
I slowly allowed the same calm I'd given Alec to trickle into Max and Izzy so they wouldn't notice I was manipulating their feelings. Now that I had officially calmed down the three Lightwood children, I only wished Jace were here so I could do the same. Of course, I wished someone could calm me down and make me unafraid, but I knew that wouldn't happen.  
The last thing we expected was a knock on the door ten minutes later. "Alec?" Jace said, not waiting for an invitation to be let in. "Are you- whoa. How many people are in here?"  
"We're all here," Izzy told him. "Except you. Do you want to join us?"  
Jace hesitated, and I knew he was debating whether he should admit his weakness or suffer a fearful night. I waited to manipulate him into staying, wanting him to make his own choice. "Sure, if you want me to," Jace finally answered. He walked around the bed and scooted in next to Alec. Thank god he had a big bed. We were all kind of squished, with Alec and I touching and Max now laying on top of us, but I couldn't be happier. I allowed the calm I was channeling into my siblings lull us all to sleep. 

Today was not a good day.  
I guess it wasn't a bad day, either. I'd had days worse than this, like when I had forced Robert and Maryse to hit me back when I was twelve, but today was different. From the moment I'd woken up I couldn't bring myself to move, too overwhelmed to do anything. I figured I had just taken in too many emotions over the past few days and forgotten to let them out.  
I don't know how long it was before someone knocked on my door. I didn't want them to come in and add to the complex swirl of feelings I had to sort through, but I did want the company. I heard the door crack open before I could figure out if I wanted them to come in.  
I could barely make out their face I was so distracted. They approached the bed quietly, as if they didn't want to wake me up. Confusion entered with them, and I didn't care enough to figure out why. I was curled into a ball with the blanket pulled up to my shoulders, and the person ripped the blanket back as soon as they realized I was awake.  
"Hey, why are you- are you okay?" I would recognize his voice anywhere.  
"Alec." It was barely loud enough for him to hear.  
The bed sunk down with his weight and I could feel his hand brushing my hair back, his concern weighing me down. "What's wrong?" He asked me. "Hey, talk to me, Luce."  
I closed my eyes for a few seconds. "Too much."  
I know that wasn't a lot to go on, but I knew he'd understand. "It's okay, we can fix this, right? Do you remember Magnus's trick to clear your head?"  
Through the haze, I remembered what I had to do. Magnus had told me that a good way to get back to reality was having an anchor, or person in my life who meant a lot to me. I just had to think of them and memories I had with them, and it would help everything else go away.  
I began to think about Alec. His smile, the way he walked, how his laugh sounded, how he always felt calm and protective around his family, the way he would hug me when I needed it even though he wasn't a big hugger. The way he came to find me when I didn't come down for breakfast this morning, and how he sat down and helped me figure everything out when I couldn't think clearly enough to do it myself.  
I opened my eyes and looked at him. The complicated ocean of emotion that had accumulated wasn't gone, but it was now so small I could handle it without a problem. "Thank you," I whispered.  
He gave me a small smile, clutching my hand. "I didn't do much. Your mom did all the work."  
I felt my heart stutter a bit as I realized what he meant. When Magnus had first told me I needed an anchor, I considered my mom. I immediately shot that down and decided on Alec. After all, he was the one who was always there for me. When I got home that day I told him I just needed an anchor and it would help me get through it. Although he asked me who it was and I didn't like lying to him, I couldn't bring myself to tell him he was my anchor. I didn't want to scare him off, especially if I didn't mean as much to him as he did to me. I lied, saying it was my mom. He understood and we left it at that.  
I didn't want to lie anymore. "My mom isn't my anchor," I told him, sitting up. "It's you."  
He was confused. "Me? I thought you said it was-"  
"I know, I lied," I explained. "I didn't want to tell you because I was worried you weren't as close to me as I was to you."  
He shook his head. "That's ridiculous. Of course I am. We're best friends." Then, timidly he asked, "It's really me though? This whole time it's been me?"  
I nodded. "It's always going to be you."  
He hugged me then, reaching out and pulling me in tight. He didn't need to say anything, his gratitude and love was expressed just through the action of hugging me first. I let myself be held by him, not wanting to be anywhere else. 

"I was thinking we could try something different," Magnus said when I went to see him. "You know how some emotions have the capacity to have physical effects, correct? For example, sadness makes you cry, anger increases your heart rate, etcetera?" I nodded. "Well, I was thinking we could try something like that today."  
I was intrigued. "What do I do?"  
Magnus grinned. "I'm not exactly sure. You being able to create physical sensations in people is just a theory of mine, after all. Maybe we should just experiment for a while, try out a few methods. Okay?"  
I nodded. The next three hours were spent trying to make Magnus cold. We tested all of our ideas, but nothing was working. I sat down, frustrated. "It's not going to work, Magnus."  
Magnus was slightly frustrated as well, but he was determined. "Come on, Muffin. I really think you can do this. Maybe we just need to take a break."  
I rested my head in my hands. "I can't do it," I muttered.  
Magnus sat next to me, trying to stay positive. "Yes, you can. Things like this don't come easy, you have to learn and work-"  
"You said it yourself," I said shortly. "It was only a theory. We don't know if I can even do this. Let's just forget about it."  
I could feel Magnus's disappointment, but I also knew he agreed with me. "You're right, Muffin. Maybe we shouldn't push this." He looked up at the grand clock on the wall. "It's getting late. Maryse will be expecting you home soon. Would you like a portal to the Institute?"  
I shook my head. Magnus had helped enough for one day, and I couldn't ask him to do it. "I'll walk. See you later."  
I practiced on people the whole way home, attempting to make them feel pain, cold, or any other physical effect I tried to cause, but none of them showed any signs of being affected. I guess it just wasn't meant to happen. 

Jace was fourteen the first time he got hurt on a mission. Although I was sixteen, I wasn't allowed to go on missions yet since I wasn't technically a Shadowhunter. I was waiting for him at home when another Shadowhunter burst through the door, a lifeless figure in his arms. "I need medical attention!" He yelled. "Someone needs to get him to the infirmary!"  
The room was suddenly buzzing with people. Jace was carried away by another man, while a few people turned to help the man who had carried Jace in. I followed the person who was carrying Jace all the way to the infirmary, where they set him down on the first bed. A nurse rushed over to him. "What happened?"  
"They were outnumbered," the man explained shortly. "The thing got his arm."  
The nurse peeled off Jace's jacket carefully, revealing several deep gashes on his arm. "Oh, my," she muttered, pulling out a stele. She drew an iratze, making Jace groan softly. "At least he's conscious."  
I sat next to the bed. "Is he going to be okay?"  
The nurse nodded. "Grab me those bandages, will you? And that bottle." I went to where she was pointing and retrieved what she needed. "He'll be fine." She started cleaning his arm. "The iratze will help it heal, but he'll be in pain for a while. He's going to have his arm in a sling until it's back to normal."  
She finished bandaging it as Robert and Maryse entered, bringing a tsunami of panic with them. "Oh, Jace," Maryse said as she sunk next to the bed.  
He struggled to open his eyes, wincing. "I'm fine."  
The nurse shook her head. "No you're not. You're spending the night in here, understand?"  
Alec, Izzy, Max and I ended up staying with him. I fell asleep in the bed next to him fairly easily, but was woken up in the middle of the night by the frustration beside me.  
"Jace, what's wrong?" I whispered, trying not to wake our sleeping siblings.  
His voice was strained. "Nothing, it just... It hurts."  
I felt my heart break a little seeing my tough little brother in pain. I wished more than anything I could take it away. I hated seeing him suffer, so much so that I felt like I was hurting, too.  
Sadness swelled up inside me as I tried to send him calming emotions. Comfort flowed from me into him, but it only dulled the physical sensation. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't take away the pain.  
"I wish I could help."  
"You are helping," he insisted. He was still hurting, but he was better than he was before. "Thank you."  
I didn't say anything back, tearing up because I couldn't help him. "Try to get some sleep," I told him, continuing to send him the calming waves until his breathing was even and I knew he was asleep. 

I felt a little guilty for staying out so late, especially when I knew Alec wanted to go home, but I couldn't help myself. I was still on a high from earlier, and I didn't want to go back home just yet.  
Alec and I had been assigned a mission with a Shadowhunter who had transferred from the Cleveland Institute, Zach. Zach was a nice kid. Ever since I'd met him he had been sweet to me, not to mention flirty. He was attractive, but I'd sworn I wouldn't mess around with boys. That is, until now.  
The mission had gone really well, and Zach wanted to celebrate. I managed to talk Alec into going into a club for a little while, just to dance and have a little fun before we had to go deal with the boring paperwork. Alec was currently off sulking somewhere, while I was with Zach.  
"You okay?" He asked me.  
I nodded absentmindedly. "There's just a lot of people." It was a little hard to concentrate.  
He nodded in understanding. "I'll go get you some water, okay?"  
I shot him a grateful smile as he walked away. While he was gone, I scanned the crowd for Alec. I couldn't find him anywhere.  
Zach came back a few minutes later, holding a caramel colored drink and a clear one. He took a long drink from the caramel one before passing me the clear one. "Zach, is that alcohol?" I asked suspiciously.  
He nodded, rolling his eyes. "I can handle myself. Come on, drink up."  
I drained the glass, not noticing it tasted funny until the last gulp. "What was that?" I asked, making a face. "Was that vodka?"  
Zach grinned at me. "Yeah. It was watered down."  
I felt anger bubble up inside. "I didn't want to drink tonight," I told him. "I'm seventeen. It's illegal."  
He shrugged. "In the mundane world, sure. As long as no mundie police find you you'll be okay."  
I grimaced as I felt dizzy suddenly. The drink must have affected my ability to concentrate, which meant if I stayed here much longer I'd be too overwhelmed to move. "Zach, can we get out of here? I don't feel good."  
"Lightweight," he teased. "Yeah, I'll take you to the back so you can lie down." He helped me up and had to catch me as I nearly fell. I didn't expect whatever I had to be so strong. "Careful," he warned. "Can you walk?"  
I tried to take a step, but felt my knees buckle. Without another word, Zach lifted me bridal style and carried me into a room, shutting the door behind us. He set me gently on the bed before asking, "How do you feel?"  
I meant to tell him I was tired, but the words were slurred. I couldn't have gotten drunk, right? I had one drink!  
Through the fog, I could see him grin as he pressed a kiss to my lips. "Hm?" I groaned, trying to ask what he was doing.  
He just laughed quietly and kissed me again. I tried to pull my head away and tell him not now, but I couldn't move. It's like I was paralyzed.  
His hand dragged down my side before coming to rest on my waist. He fiddled with the hem of my shirt, tugging it up to expose my bra. I whined in the back of my throat, trying to tell him to get off, but I could barely make a sound. I squirmed under him in panic as I realized what was happening, but he had me pinned under him. I was trapped and defenseless.  
His hands were moving across my chest, taking their time as they slid under my bra to grope my boobs. One of his hands slipped down my stomach and pulled the zipper of my pants, tugging them partially down my legs. A tear slid down my cheek and I closed my eyes, wishing I could move or scream or do something.  
A loud bang made both of us jump. "This room's taken," Zach started to say, annoyed, until he turned around to see who had barged in. I couldn't see who it was, but whatever was there made Zach quickly take his hand out from under my bra and pull back like I'd burned him. "Man, listen," he started, but Alec's voice cut him off.  
"You back away from my sister," he growled. Zach was off of me as quickly as possible, stuttering excuses. I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Hey, Luce, can you hear me?" I merely groaned in response. I heard the sound of Alec drawing his bow. "Give me one good reason not to kill you right now."  
Zach was a mess. "P-please, man, I- I didn't want to hurt anyone."  
"Get out of my sight." Alec snapped, and the quick sound of stumbling footsteps got quieter as Zach ran from the room. "Are you okay?" I heard Alec ask me. I felt my shirt being pulled down and my pants being pulled back up and zipped. I couldn't say anything, just whimpering in response. "I should have shot that kid," he muttered. "Let's get you home."  
I felt my body being lifted and carried away as I drifted off. "Stay awake," Alec commanded me, but I couldn't keep my eyes open.  
When I woke up, Alec was next to my bed. He bitterly explained what had happened- they found a mundane drug in my system that prevented me from fighting back. Zach hadn't come back to the Institute, instead requesting to be transferred back to Cleveland.  
"Thank you," I said quietly. "If you hadn't been there-"  
Alec cut me off. "Hey, don't worry about it. You're safe now, and that Zach kid won't show his face around here ever again."  
"I'm sorry. We shouldn't have gone out. We should have come straight home, like you said."  
Alec grabbed my hand, intertwining our fingers. "Forget what I said. All that matters is you're here, with me." I was still a little shaken up after what had happened, but Alec was right. As long as I had him, I knew I'd be okay. 

I liked to think I had good control of my abilities. I never used them to interfere with important emotional processes like grieving, and if someone asked me to leave them alone I would listen. Sometimes, I decided to mess with people. Alec was pretty quiet, and sometimes tinkering with his emotions was an excellent form of entertainment.  
Now was most definitely one of those times.  
I'll admit it, I was kind of pissed at him. Since the thing with Zach happened last year, he hasn't let me have any fun at all. The only time I left the Institute was for a mission, and he always made sure we came straight back after. I loved him to death for trying so hard to protect me, but it was getting a little boring around here.  
He was currently trying to help me practice my archery. I was an okay shot, but I was nowhere near his level of talent. After a while of him trying to correct my mistakes and criticizing my form, I had had enough.  
I fought to keep my voice calm. "I think I know what you're talking about now," I said. "Can you just show me one more time?"  
He rolled his eyes, taking the bow from me and stringing it. Let the games begin. I slowly sent him a trickle of embarrassment. I managed to keep a straight face as the blush tinting his cheeks began to appear. He was confused as to why he was suddenly so embarrassed, but I watched as he attempted to shake it off and line up the shot anyway.  
I knew he would only show me once, so if he made this shot then my fun would be over. It was time to play dirty. Trying to remain inconspicuous, I allowed wisps of arousal to circle him. That was when things really got interesting.  
I stifled my laughter as he shifted uncomfortably, adjusting his hold on the bow even though it was already perfect. He shuffled his feet a little as his face turned light pink, and he closed his eyes for a second as if he was concentrating. When he opened them his eyes were wide, as if realizing what he was feeling.  
"Are you okay?" I asked innocently.  
He cast a glance in my direction, straightening out his aim. "I'm fine." Just before he released the arrow, I increased the sensation he was feeling. He was embarrassed before he had shot the arrow, and now he was downright humiliated as he missed the target completely.  
"What happened?" I asked. "Are you sure you're feeling okay? You're turning red."  
He glared at me. "I said I was fine. Let me try again." He lined up the shot and prepared to release the arrow before I increased the feeling again. This went on for three shots, until I was seriously pushing the limit. When he went to line up the fourth shot, constantly shifting and changing positions while his face was tomato red, he suddenly snapped his gaze to my face. "You," was all he said.  
I ran as fast as I could, cackling with laughter the whole way. By the time he caught me I had tears in my eyes. "What did you think you were doing?"  
I had stopped laughing but was still smiling like an idiot. "Come on, Alec," I tried to say. "You never let me go out anymore, and I barely go on missions. I gotta have fun somehow."  
He scowled at me. "And messing with me is fun?"  
I stopped smiling. "You know I don't mean it like that. I was just agitated and bored and I did it. I didn't mean to hurt you."  
He sighed. Even when he wanted to, he never stayed mad at me for long. "I know I've been a bit hard on you," he admitted, "but I'm worried about you. After what happened with Zach, I haven't let you or Izzy out of my sight, and I'm sorry."  
I put my hand on his shoulder. "Don't apologize for trying to protect us. We know you're going to do everything you can to keep us safe, and we appreciate it. But please, loosen the reigns a little."  
Alec hesitated. "Okay. What did you have in mind?"  
I grinned. "Actually, there's a party downtown tonight..."  
Alec groaned. He was regretting this already. 

I sighed in frustration, gritting my teeth. The pigeon in my hand cooed softly in pain, holding its broken wing away from its body. There were deep scratches in its side that looked like talon marks. If I had to guess, some larger bird had grabbed it and either dropped it on the roof of the Institute or let it escape. I'd come up to the roof to clear my head when I heard the soft sounds of the dying animal.  
I squeezed my eyes shut, deep in concentration as I tried to take the bird's pain. I had already taken away its fear and calmed it down, but it was still in pain. "Come on," I muttered to myself as I felt the bird's feelings slipping away. They were fading slowly, and I knew it was dying. The least I could do is make it as painless as possible. "Come on!" I said louder, fighting to help the bird while I still could.  
"Lucy? What are you doing up here?" Alec asked from behind me.  
"It's dying," I said impatiently. "It's hurt. I'm trying to take its pain, but nothing is working."  
I could feel his hesitation as he watched me channel all of my power into helping the bird. "Luce... You've never taken pain before. We don't even know if you can."  
"I can," I said, pushing to help the bird again. "Come on." The bird was slipping away fast, but it was still hurt. "Why won't this work?" I asked, frustrated.  
Alec was silent, watching as the bird relaxed in my hands. It stopped feeling anything a second before it went limp. It was dead. "No," I whispered, staring in disbelief at the carcass in my hands. I set it down gently, wiping my hands on my pants as I muttered, "No, please."  
Alec was watching me cautiously, and I could feel he was sad. I didn't know if he felt bad for me or the bird. "You tried everything you could," he started, but I cut him off.  
"No! I was supposed to help it! I should have taken its pain, I should have done something to help it!"  
Alec was alarmed as tears started rolling down my cheeks. I'd never cried in front of him before. "You can't take pain," he reminded me quietly. "You calmed it down. It wasn't afraid. You helped it."  
"I didn't do enough!" I argued. "I've never done anything useful! What I do will never be enough!"  
I stood up and started walking away from him, but his hand on my arm stopped me. "You know that's not true-"  
"Yes it is!" I was nearly yelling now. "What good am I? When I chaperoned Izzy's first date and those men tried to rob us, I couldn't stop them from hurting her. When you and I were fourteen and we all went to the carnival, I couldn't hurt that demon that almost killed all of us." I continued to list every time I had been useless, stepping closer to Alec with each painful memory. "When Jace got hurt on that mission three years ago, I couldn't take his pain away. After that mission when we went out with Zach, I couldn't protect myself from him. I can't fight demons like all of you can, and that pigeon was in a lot of pain that I couldn't take away. What good am I to anyone if I can't even help a dying pigeon?"  
Alec was staring at me, a mixture of disbelief and confusion coming off of him. "You can't be serious."  
I threw my hands up, frustrated. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"  
He shook his head. "Do you really not see it? You help people all the time." Before I could argue, he shot me a glare that silenced me. "When you and Izzy were attacked, you made those guys afraid so they would leave you alone. Yes, she did get hit, but both of you could have been killed if you hadn't stepped in. On the way back from the carnival, you're the one who made the demon go away so we all had time to escape. When Jace got hurt, you kept him calm and stress free so he could heal faster. You couldn't defend yourself from Zach because he drugged you, and it's not your job to fight demons."  
He looked me in the eyes, trying to make me believe him. "I know you couldn't help the bird, but the thing was hurt so badly it wasn't going to live anyways. You couldn't take its pain, but you managed to give it a lot more peace than it would have had without you." He began pleading with me. "I know you're upset and wish you could do more, but you need to understand that what you do is special, too. You help people all the time, you just don't realize it."  
I felt tears welling up in my eyes again, but for a different reason as he continued. "When Izzy or Jace or I got yelled at, you would calm Mom or Dad down so they'd take it easy on us. If we were sad, you were there to make us feel better. You always understand how we feel, which can be a bit of a pain sometimes, but it's also a huge help when we don't know what to do. Whenever any of us get scared, you make us feel safe. None of us know what your ability is, but we can all tell you that it's not useless."  
I was so overcome with love and sadness and so many other confusing emotions that I jumped forward to engulf Alec in a tight hug. From the moment we touched I knew I was accidentally transferring my emotions to him, but I didn't stop it. He only wrapped his arms around me tightly and held on like he was never going to let me go again.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed this! Let me know if there are any mistakes, and please leave kudos/feedback in the comments!


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